Let Uwe Boll Make a Movie Based on Your Game
1) Uwe Boll thinks his movies aren't trash, and I agree – He doesn't say that they are masterpieces, but in IGN's Dinner with Uwe, he says they aren't trash, and complains how people on the internet aren't fair to him and the IGN suck ups agree. Now, I think Uwe Boll is right in this regard (although IGN seems really spineless to side with that monster). Uwe Boll films aren't trash. They may be horribly awful steaming piles of crap, but I've had to pay to see them, so it is dissimilar in that regard to trash because people throw out trash, so you can get it for free if you go dumpster diving. It's probably more similar to a toilet you have to pay to use. You really have to go, and you see the last person using it walk out. That person was Uwe Boll, and he managed to get every last drop of poop on the toilet seat and none in the actual toilet. You spent your last euro (since as far as I know, they only have pay toilets in Europe. Here in America, we have freedom – freedom from entrepreneurs exploiting our natural bodily functions), and you really have to go, so you sit down on Uwe's foul toilet seat. I think that's a much better analogy than trash. Maybe Uwe will complain about my criticalness of his work in his next interview because he seems to like whining a lot.
2) Every movie based on a video game license sucks – They all suck including Uwe Boll's. “Super Mario Bros”? “Street Fighter”? I think Raul Julia died of embarrassment when he saw his performance in that film. I've seen them all except the straight to video “Double Dragon” (which despite having Alyssa Milano in it, has to suck since “straight to video” is always synonymous with crap). The best movie to video game translation was “Mortal Kombat”, which is hardly a great film. That's pretty sad. If someone is going to take a giant dump on your carefully developed IP, why shouldn't it be Uwe?
I don't know if you saw Doom (or read the novelization), but there was very little they could have done to screw Doom up. All they had to do was non-stop demon killing, or just have the Rock do his eyebrow thing for an hour and a half, and they'd have a great movie. Instead, there was all this psuedo-science trying to find out the cause of the stupid virus, and the brother and sister with troubled pasts reuniting under less than ideal circumstances. Here's a much better screenplay:
Scene 1 – Interior shot Mars base
Bystander: Oh no! The gateway to Hell has been opened!
Bystander gets mauled by a zombie
The Rock: It's time to kick some ass.
The Rock picks up a BFG and ad libs while slaying demons. The demons also kill a lot of innocent bystanders in very gory ways.
It's not a question of money. I'd sell that to Hollywood for $5. I think it's gross incompetence on the part of Uwe Boll and Hollywood in general on what gamers are looking for in a video game movie. We're looking for something VERY SIMILAR to the game. We don't want radical changes to the story. When they bought the license for Doom, there was demons on Mars. What did they have in Doom the movie? Well, it wasn't demons! They bought the Doom license so they could do a horrible first person segment. Let's take Bloodrayne for example. I like the story. It was cheesy and funny. Hot vampire woman fighting Nazis. Pretty straightforward, right? Somehow in Uwe Boll's twisted mind, it became a period drama set in the 1700s, and was mind blowingly awful. Here's some notes for you Uwe: “YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE BLOODRAYNE ABOUT HER FIGHTING NAZIS!” Maybe Uwe should spend his time listening to fans criticism rather than giving long and boring interviews whining about how nobody likes him and how we are all jealous of his success. Yep, you hit the nail on the head. We say your movies are bad not because they are bad because we envy you. We all desire in the bottom of our heart to be a director of horrible video game adaptations. I can't wait for Uwe Boll's Dungeon Siege because I'm sure it'll be the story of three pirates (one blind, one deaf and one mute) transported to a dungeon in the future, and they are the Earth's only hope for overthrowing the corrupt dictatorship. It seems like they just take the title of the game and guess what the game might be about rather than actually playing it and working from that.
3) He's the only one who will buy your license – If someone buys your license, you get money regardless of how terrible the movie is. Uwe says all of his movies have made a profit (mostly because they cost around $20 million to make with $15 million advertising). So, you get free money for doing nothing! Besides, a few top licenses (Halo, Dead or Alive, and Silent Hill) no one is making movies based on games since they are beginning to realize that they all suck.
4) You get a lot of free publicity – Gamers everywhere will be talking out your game. Sure, they won't be saying good things, but there's no such thing as bad publicity, right? Maybe people will wonder if your game is truly as wretched as the Uwe Boll pile crap masquerading as a film. I bought “Alone in the Dark” to see if it was quite possibly as horrible as the film. It wasn't very good, but it was better than the film, which isn't saying much.
5) You'll gain a newfound appreciation for your voice actors – Let's face it. Most video game voice acting isn't all that great. Let's take for example the first lines in House of the Dead 2 “We're meeting G over there” in deadpan monotone. Or Goldman's oscillations in pitch on “We've got to protect the life cycle!” Both of those horrendous line readings are better than the guy that wears the yellow raincoat in “House of the Dead” the movie. Tara Reid as a bright archaeologist in “Alone in the Dark” was the worst casting since Denise Richards as a Nuclear Scientist in “The World is Not Enough”.
6) You'll gain a newfound appreciation for your writer – Again, “House of the Dead” has a horrible story. “Bloodrayne” is campy cheesy fun, but definitely not going to win any awards. These writers are at least better than the ones that write Uwe Boll screenplays. I'm not sure where he can find people that are that bad at writing, but my guess is he gets a bunch of 3 year olds drunk and sits them in front of a word processor.
So there you have it! Game developers of the world, get on your phone and call up Uwe today! What do you have to lose other than your dignity and self-respect?