Monday, January 09, 2006

Top 10 Reasons You Should Run Out to the Store Right Now and Purchase a Gizmondo

You may not have heard of the Gizmondo. You may not even know of any stores that carry it. There certainly aren't very many. But after researching what little information I could find on the greatest handheld ever, I have discovered 10 reasons why you are morally obligated to purchase one immediately, if not several!

10. It has a cool name – Gizmondo! See how that rolls right off of your tongue? It is too cool to have a three letter acronym to abbreviate its greatness. Gizmondo! Say it loud and say it proud! Gizmondo boldly proclaims the future of handheld gaming!

9. Huge selection of awesome games – Well, maybe not quite a HUGE selection... Actually, there are only 14 games available... But, they have a mean Checkers game, which is featured in “Classics Compendium”... Isn't it quality over quantity anyway?

8. Pocket Ping Pong 2005 – According to the Gizmondo site: “If you liked Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball, you'll love Pocket Ping Pong 2005. It's table tennis set to a sandy, sexy backdrop. You'll love the competitors' minimalist beachwear, the sunny atmosphere and the fast-as-lightning action, complete with totally accurate ball physics.” Ball physics? I think the only thing people who played Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball were interested in was boob physics. I figured I'd write this article before going out and purchasing it myself, so I haven't seen the boob physics, but maybe they put their effort into that instead of gameplay because it got horrible reviews according to here.

7. Momma Can I Mow the Lawn? - A game with a name that stupid, has to be good, right? From the Gizmondo site: “In his leafy hometown, grass is abundant, and many people are grateful for Kurt's offer to mow their lawns, often rewarding him with extra cash if he does a good job. The real fun begins when he forgets to ask permission or enters prohibited areas such as parks and sports grounds.” Now, I'd much rather mow the lawn in a video game for video game money than mow the lawn in real life for real money! Gizmondo has really hit upon a winner here!

6. GPS – Sure, the only current use is Navigator 2006, which costs $250. You can get a stand alone GPS unit for less than that, so I have no idea where all the money is going if it already has GPS built in, but the best part is the car stand for the Gizmondo costs $60!! What a steal for a piece of plastic! Games can use it too! The game “Colors” is going to use it so you can battle gangs based on real world turf... That's a feature that all avid gamers have been yearning for!

5. Commodore 64 Remakes – The best games on the system are the Commodore 64 remakes “Trailblazer” and “Point of Destruction”. When I spend a ton of money on a handheld with fancy 3D hardware, I want 2D things that I can play on my Commodore 64.

4. It's out of stock on their website – That clearly means it's a hot commodity! They definitely aren't out of stock to conceal the fact that they don't have any since there is no demand.

3. Trustworthy business – After reading about the dismal financial outlook of the company, and the very honest directors, how can you not want to invest in their product? Hey, they may always be in legal trouble, but at least they own a modeling agency. That's what's really important in a hardware vendor, right?

2. Free advertising! - If you want the reasonably priced Gizmondo, you have to sign up for an ad service. Your Gizmondo gets three ads delivered it to it per day that it's turned on. Whoo hoo! I don't get enough ads on TV, radio, billboards, movie trailers, magazines, the internet, in the front and back of books, planes pulling sky banners, blimps, on taxis (including on the hubcaps), and I even saw a new advertising medium last weekend where they have people drive around on mopeds that pull billboards.

1. It's soon be obsolete – You have to be quick to get your regular Gizmondo because the much improved Gizmondo Widescreen will be out soon thus rendering the current Gizmondo obsolete! It's been on the market for less than three months in the US, and they are already replacing it! That's clever business!

5 Comments:

Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

roflmao

good stuff man

9:54 PM  
Blogger The BIG G said...

Parry:
I'm glad you've finally seen the light and come to appreciate the genius that is "The BIG G".

-The BIG G

10:50 PM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

I never understood the whole Gizmondo business concept.

Bringing out a new console, even a handheld, means that you have to find some way around the "chicken and egg" problem - No one's going to want to develop for it unless there's a market already in place (owners of the device), and no one's going to buy the bloody thing if there aren't any games.

Microsoft got through that one by sheer force of will, tons of cash, and a certain inability to take no for an answer.
The current other strategy - add other functions to the device - didn't seem to work out well for Nokia and their Ngage.

There is an exception to every rule, however, and that would be the GP2X which has managed to carve out a niche for itself in the emulated games scene and open source community. But theirs is a product not looking to compete with the GBA/DS/PSP.

Furthermore, the Gizmondo is ugly - looks like one of those old 'my first handheld game' knockoffs from Toys R Us. Those looking for a multifunction device are likely to be in the 18-35 bracket - not the sort of people comfortable with carrying around something that unstylish.

Even worse is that the hardware (and that 'snazzy' 3d gpu) will all be finding their way into mobile phones in the next 2 years, just like cameras before them. This will be even easier with the mass-market production of the phone-on-a-chip, which is now in progress.

Eventually, a phone/camera/mp3 player/media player/console hybrid with around 4-10GB of storage (flash or HD) will be the norm for a mobile phone. I reckon in the next year and a half. That's the only possible competitor to the current crop of handheld gaming devices, simply because the phone companies have proven that they won't give you a choice in the matter - because downloadable games could be a huge source of revenue if they were a bit more impressive and justified their cost.

The Gizmondo's dead before it started. The only two reasons I can think of for anyone considering this a good idea is that a) they're really stupid, or b) this is some kind of tax-evasion scheme.

Finally, it's a PDA. With a control pad and buttons. We've been here before with the Tapwave Zodiac - and that didn't end well.

The console market has a barrier to entry that is extremely costly to circumnavigate. It makes no business sense to enter the market unless you have something significantly different, or the finances to establish yourself as a long-term prospect.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

Oh god.

Looking through the upcoming games list for the Gizmondo is like taking a trip back in time.

Remembering, when I was a lad, wandering through the computer game section of 'Boots,' marveling at how the fantastic front covers of the C64 games bore no relation to the actual games whatsoever.

Come to think about it, I wonder why a high-street chemist and photo-developing place would sell games? They sold music, too, if I recall correctly. Most peculiar.

Anyway, I don't see 'New Zealand Story' in their upcoming releae list, so I'm not buying a Gizmondo. So there.

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

Hey, don't get me wrong, that's only because I genuinely found this post funny. Props on that, by the way.

7:37 PM  

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