Jack Thompson: A Retrospective
Jack Thompson is big news these days in the video game industry. I’ll objectively report on the highlights of his tumultuous career, which includes little known factoids that are often overlooked.
1988: Jack vs. Janet: Round 1: Begin!
Jackieboy ran against Janet Reno for the office of Dade County State Attorney. During a debate, he handed Janet a slip of paper which said: "I, Janet Reno, am a homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual. If you do not respond then you will be deemed to have checked one of the first two boxes." Now, although that technique may have been a good way to pick up chicks in middle school, it doesn’t quite work well in the political debate setting. Janet Reno crumpled up the paper and ignored it... I guess Jack deemed that she is a lesbian... Too bad that doesn’t make her one... He suggested she was a good target for blackmail, and later credited the motivation for all of her decisions to be blackmail.
2000: There are no words to describe this.
Criticized Janet Reno’s steel drum playing ability and her ready access to pitchforks. I really can’t explain this one. You have to read it to believe it.
Early 2005: Lowenstein = Satan?
Compared Lowenstein to many evil people throughout history: Joseph Goebbels (Nazi propagandist), Adolf Hitler, and Saddam Hussein. Geez! I never knew the president of the ESA had the power to do more evil than slaughtering millions of people! Well, according to Jack, he does.
July 22nd, 2005: Believe everything you hear
Someone told Jack that the Sims had “full frontal nudity, including nipples, penises, labia, and pubic hair”. Jack promptly complained to everyone he could. How many times can you cry wolf before you lose your credibility?
August 3rd, 2005: Really HOT coffee
Jack claimed there was some cheat code that unlocked all sorts of dirty things in GTA: San Andreas... It didn’t exist, so he promptly dropped that complaint.
August 19th, 2005: Jack was called a douchebag
This buddy icon was posted on badassbuddy.bolt.com. Jack contacted the NYPD and FBI to investigate this “threat”. I’m sure the FBI has them working round the clock on that case.
October 10th, 2005: Satire is very tricky
Along the same lines of Jonathan Swift’s modest proposal, Jack proposed a rather disgusting game and was going to donate money to Paul Eibeler’s (Take Two’s chairman) charity of choice if it was made.
October 17th, 2005: It's better to give than receive
Turns out that the charity part was just a joke. According to Jack, us gamers are too stupid to realize that. He’s so right. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten babies after reading Swift’s “Modest Proposal”. Crap! Hindsight is 20-20. Luckily, Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins followed through on Jackie’s broken promise (err... I mean, clever joke) and donated $10,000 in Jack’s name to the ESA Foundation believing that to be the charity that Eibeler would have chosen. I’m guessing Jack wasn’t happy about that because the ESA Foundation is a charitable foundation from the ESA; the very ESA that has supposed evildoer Lowenstein at the helm... In response, he faxed the Penny Arcade people as well as some press places a letter supposedly sent to the Seattle Police Department complaining about the “harassment” from the Penny Arcadians. The Seattle Police Department never got that fax...
November 8th, 2005: Jack Thompson Witnessed GTA Kill People?
Apparently, the defendant team of lawyers in the Alabama GTA lawsuit thought Jack Thompson's press release smear campaign was against legal ethics, and the judge was considering removing him, so Wacky-Jackie took the initiative and removed himself with a lame-ass excuse. He also indicated that he expects to serve as a witness... What did he witness? Was he there that fateful day when GTA started whispering "kill everyone" to the gamer? Does he know anything about video games? Adolescent psychology? Last I checked, he was just a muckraking laywer who likes to threaten more than practice actual law.
Present: Sue, sue, sue!
He’s busy threatening lawsuits against everyone. Scott Ramsoomair over at VGCats, Mike and Jerry at Penny Arcade, practically anyone who speaks ill of him. If I’m lucky, he’ll threaten me with a lawsuit. Defamation of character? Libel? Slander? I'm sure it'll hold up in court. Maybe he should sue www.wikipedia.org because that’s where I got most of my information. Someone should ride the trend and start making t-shirts that say “Jack Thompson threatened to sue me and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”. He could then threaten to sue everyone who bought one, thus fulfilling the prophetic shirt... So, Jack, if you read this and would like to sue, please post a message on my blog. I’m sure my readers would like to hear your ridiculous threats, and I'm sure my lawyer could use a good laugh.