Thursday, November 17, 2005

Jack Thompson: A Retrospective

Jack Thompson is big news these days in the video game industry. I’ll objectively report on the highlights of his tumultuous career, which includes little known factoids that are often overlooked.

1988: Jack vs. Janet: Round 1: Begin!
Jackieboy ran against Janet Reno for the office of Dade County State Attorney. During a debate, he handed Janet a slip of paper which said: "I, Janet Reno, am a homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual. If you do not respond then you will be deemed to have checked one of the first two boxes." Now, although that technique may have been a good way to pick up chicks in middle school, it doesn’t quite work well in the political debate setting. Janet Reno crumpled up the paper and ignored it... I guess Jack deemed that she is a lesbian... Too bad that doesn’t make her one... He suggested she was a good target for blackmail, and later credited the motivation for all of her decisions to be blackmail.

2000: There are no words to describe this.
Criticized Janet Reno’s steel drum playing ability and her ready access to pitchforks. I really can’t explain this one. You have to read it to believe it.

Early 2005: Lowenstein = Satan?
Compared Lowenstein to many evil people throughout history: Joseph Goebbels (Nazi propagandist), Adolf Hitler, and Saddam Hussein. Geez! I never knew the president of the ESA had the power to do more evil than slaughtering millions of people! Well, according to Jack, he does.

July 22nd, 2005: Believe everything you hear
Someone told Jack that the Sims had “full frontal nudity, including nipples, penises, labia, and pubic hair”. Jack promptly complained to everyone he could. How many times can you cry wolf before you lose your credibility?

August 3rd, 2005: Really HOT coffee
Jack claimed there was some cheat code that unlocked all sorts of dirty things in GTA: San Andreas... It didn’t exist, so he promptly dropped that complaint.

August 19th, 2005: Jack was called a douchebag
This buddy icon was posted on Jack contacted the NYPD and FBI to investigate this “threat”. I’m sure the FBI has them working round the clock on that case.

October 10th, 2005: Satire is very tricky
Along the same lines of Jonathan Swift’s modest proposal, Jack proposed a rather disgusting game and was going to donate money to Paul Eibeler’s (Take Two’s chairman) charity of choice if it was made.

October 17th, 2005: It's better to give than receive
Turns out that the charity part was just a joke. According to Jack, us gamers are too stupid to realize that. He’s so right. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten babies after reading Swift’s “Modest Proposal”. Crap! Hindsight is 20-20. Luckily, Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins followed through on Jackie’s broken promise (err... I mean, clever joke) and donated $10,000 in Jack’s name to the ESA Foundation believing that to be the charity that Eibeler would have chosen. I’m guessing Jack wasn’t happy about that because the ESA Foundation is a charitable foundation from the ESA; the very ESA that has supposed evildoer Lowenstein at the helm... In response, he faxed the Penny Arcade people as well as some press places a letter supposedly sent to the Seattle Police Department complaining about the “harassment” from the Penny Arcadians. The Seattle Police Department never got that fax...

November 8th, 2005: Jack Thompson Witnessed GTA Kill People?
Apparently, the defendant team of lawyers in the Alabama GTA lawsuit thought Jack Thompson's press release smear campaign was against legal ethics, and the judge was considering removing him, so Wacky-Jackie took the initiative and removed himself with a lame-ass excuse. He also indicated that he expects to serve as a witness... What did he witness? Was he there that fateful day when GTA started whispering "kill everyone" to the gamer? Does he know anything about video games? Adolescent psychology? Last I checked, he was just a muckraking laywer who likes to threaten more than practice actual law.

Present: Sue, sue, sue!
He’s busy threatening lawsuits against everyone. Scott Ramsoomair over at VGCats, Mike and Jerry at Penny Arcade, practically anyone who speaks ill of him. If I’m lucky, he’ll threaten me with a lawsuit. Defamation of character? Libel? Slander? I'm sure it'll hold up in court. Maybe he should sue because that’s where I got most of my information. Someone should ride the trend and start making t-shirts that say “Jack Thompson threatened to sue me and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”. He could then threaten to sue everyone who bought one, thus fulfilling the prophetic shirt... So, Jack, if you read this and would like to sue, please post a message on my blog. I’m sure my readers would like to hear your ridiculous threats, and I'm sure my lawyer could use a good laugh.


Blogger WallyJ said...

Good stuff!

3:03 PM  
Anonymous SoulBrotherRool said...

Hahahaha! Nice!

10:25 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

Really, Big G, I'm disappointed in you. You're evidently trying to increase your readership by appealing to the unwashed masses on this one.

Let me tell you, there are those of us in the conglomerate that is the Entertainment Industry that have looked into our crystal balls, summoned our finest scryers and seen the future spelled out in the spilled entrails of a still-warm intern.

The future is Jack Thompson.

Truly, he is the answer to our prayers - a way out of our prison! For too long we have been manacled to our desks, abused by the hideous, tentacled rape-beast called 'video game violence.' His appetite is increased by the multitude of brainwashed gamers calling for ever more violent, blood-filled games and the inclusion of rape in Rape Fighter 2.

But now Jack Thompson has slain the wicked beast! At least we presume he has, he made us avert our gazes lest we become murderous psychopaths at the sight of his epic, bloody battle.

Now, freed from this unholy compulsion to make violent games, we can all start to look forward to such gems as Call of Duty 3: Red Cross Intern, Morrowind: Countryside Rambler, Resident Evil: Bats, America's Army: Operation Enduring Bunnies, Tekken Twister Tournament and Grand Theft Auto: Find and Kill the President of Take Two Interactive.

Although the cost will be great in trying to market these sorts of games to the violent, murderous and criminal youth of today, it is imperative that we start now and have everybody on board. Are you with us?

Also, it seems that Nintendo may well have a head start on us with this. How embarrassing.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous The bigger G said...

How do I put this...


And nice try on objective reporting, but you failed miserably. Objective means NO OPINION, even if its someone elses opinion, and DEFINETLY not if its yours.

That whole bit with calling him an idiot mudslinging lawyer was definetly going out of those bounds.

I wouldn't be picking on you so much if you didn't portray yourself as a hotshot game industry guru and famous article writer when all you come off as is an adolescent teen with a huge crush on Microsoft and a thesaurus. If you're going to post stuff, stop with the whole "I'm an awsome industry insider informant" because you've proved many times over you can't report in an unbiased mannor for crap, and you don't know what the hell you're talking about either.

I really love how you set yourself up by linking to your "sources" too. Especially that one on Nintendo where you quoted that one guy as listing off the power of the Revolution, then based your whole post off of it.

I read through that article, and when that guy said it, and the person right after him (the ACTUAL Nintendo rep) said that the information that was just presented was false.

You left that out though.

If you're going to post, put some brainpower into it, drop the bias, and POST OBJECTIVELY. I don't mean SAY you're going to post objectively, and then list off names and dates with your own comments and opinions scattered around, I mean LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF OBJECTIVE REPORTING AND DO IT.

And look up outsourcing too. You're way off. Outsourcing doesn't mean we move people to a different country so they take less pay, it means we use the people ALREADY THERE because their currency is worth less than ours and they'll take less pay. Therefore, "outsourcing to the moon" and then bubbling about your own genius in thinking "years ahead" just makes you come off as a total idiot. Please tell me you were joking with that bit about outsourcing to the sun? With anyone else, I'd assume that was a joke. You've proven yourself to be stupider than previously predicted though (no matter how many times I predict it).

Sorry for spewing this all in one post, I just don't feel like going through everything and posting it one at a time again. I'm also hungry and grouchy.

10:47 AM  

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