Friday, February 16, 2007

Games that NEED Sequels

Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon - Despite what many Nintendo fanboys might think, The Wand of Gamelon was the last innovative Zelda game. Every game since has had the exact same gameplay as the very first Zelda (besides Zelda II, which for some reason, everyone hates). Windwaker was like a cell shaded Ocarina of Time. They added the grappling hook! Whooptie doo! Ocarina of Time was just like the first Zelda with a third dimension. Even Twilight Princess is the same as the old Zeldas with a wolf and the twilight realm. The twilight realm seems familiar... Hmmm... Maybe because that's the same idea they had in “A Link to the Past”? Anyway, at least they gave Link a voice and a character. I'm sick of controlling a mute husk of a man devoid of any essence of humanity. I'll take the Link from Wand of Gamelon even though he wears more lipstick than most transvestites. Honestly, I prefer the whining “Well, excuse me princess!” Link from the animated series to the Link from the recent games. Link is always after a kiss from the princess, something I can completely relate to, whereas the Link that appears in the current games is an emotionless heroic automaton, something which I've never been.

Dance Aerobics – With the craze of game based workouts and Wii weight loss programs, one might forget the wonders of the Power Pad and its dance based aerobic exercise. Sure, maybe dance combined with aerobics may not be exciting as newer exercise crazes like Taibo, but I have vague memories of it being popular way back in the 8-bit era. (Screw generations of people or even decades. All measurement of time periods should be based on console technology) The advantage of bringing back Dance Aerobics for the Wii is that it's an established IP, and they don't have to license it from Billy Blanks. The Wii version would come with special socks that had holsters for your Wii-motes so it could detect the position of your feet. There would be a sexy female instructor on the screen 80s style with big hair, a neon pink leotard and matching headband. And leg warmers. You can't forget leg warmers. I think this game would be a huge hit.

Ninja Golf – Ninja Golf combines my two favorite genres of games, fighting and Golf. No, I don't mean like Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf. I mean Kung Fu fighting! Actually, wait a minute. Golf games typically suck. Luckily, the majority of the game Ninja Golf is spent in awesome kung fu action! Putting is my least favorite thing to do in golf games, so luckily they scratched that in favor of throwing ninja stars at a fire breathing dragon. A wise gameplay decision, I'd say. I think the sequel should be made for Wii. The Wii has two golf games already, but they are boring since there is no ninja related activities. Besides, the Wii controller was really designed to capture the motion of one thing – Nunchucks. Half the controller is called a nunchuck for Pete's sake.

Kung Food – You like food, right? Everyone does. You like kung fu, right? Of course you do. So, this classic Lynx title combines the two. There aren't enough games about fighting vegetables. Video games these days are lacking creativity, so how's this plot for creative? Here's a quote from the instruction manual:
"Your kitchen is usually a safe, warm place. Not any more. The top secret chemical you stored in your fieezer became active when the door was left open. Now the contents of your freezer have come to life, and the effects of this chemical have spread throughout the kitchen. Even you have been transformed. Reduced to a little green man, you must boldly go to your freezer and destroy such transformed tidbits as ice demons and killer kung fu carrots. If you fail, your
fearsome food will conquer the world."
Now that's creative! I think we can stick with the same story and basic gameplay and just give it a next gen touch! This game needs photorealistic graphics, normal maps, specular highlights and lots of HDR! Perhaps it could even use a brown filter over the screen too. This sequel would sell faster than Gears of War!

Joy of Sex – I don't know if this Philips CD-i was a game exactly. It was more like a DVD using the CD-i controller as a way of selecting the menus since VCD didn't support interactive menus. The video content featured some dirty looking drawings and shots of creepy looking actors paid to read off prompts about their pretend sex lives. All in all, I think the next gen sequel could use more of a Clockwork Orange spin. Your in game character is forced to watch this horrifying content with its eyes strapped open. The only options are to watch this appalling content or swallow your tongue and die. Obviously, if you choose to swallow your tongue, it's game over. If you can survive the 20 hours of agony that the remake will provide, you win! What you'll most likely win is a vow of celibacy.

Zombie Dinos from Planet Zeltoid – You should stop reading right here. The title alone should explain why this game needs to be remade. Zombie Dinos from Planet Zeltoid. That's the greatest game premise. I haven't played the game in a while, but basically in some of the most gripping and enthralling cutscenes the world has ever seen, Dexter the Dinodroid explains how the evil Harry the Harrier and his brain blobs are going back in time to enslave the dinos to take over the world. Dexter the Dinodroid's amazing lifelike motion received an award for its creators, the Chiodo Brothers best known for Killer Klowns from Outer Space. You have to see the video to understand how truly breathtaking it is. Also breathtaking was the theme song that somehow managed to express this plot in ballad form. If I get a chance, I'll try and rip the song from the disc somehow, so you CD-i less people can enjoy the emotionally resonant theme. Incidentally, the game was released for PC also, so you could probably pirate it. Anyway, for the sequel, I'd change... Hmm... nothing. It's already gaming perfection! I'd say it's just due for a re-release! Sony's Playstation Store doesn't have many titles. Perhaps someone should notify them of this gem ripe for a re-release?

Skydiving Extreme – Okay, so I own this game, but I haven't gotten around to playing it. I've never even heard anything about the game, but if it'll sell just based on a great title like that, then it definitely needs a sequel. Skydiving... TO THE EXTREME! I have a relatively amusing cell phone game about sky diving. The one complaint I have with it is that it isn't extreme enough. Luckily this game looks to rectify that.

Perfect Weapon – One of my all time favorite games. This game makes the PS1 look like the Sega 32x CD, which in and of itself is a feat for the history books. There's nothing I enjoy more than moving a character that controls like trying to direct a drunk oil tanker captain orally. You don't believe me? Remember those oil spills in Alaska? I didn't have enough Perfect Weapon experience, so I failed to guide the inebriated mariner. Frequent awkward camera cuts as well as constantly draining health completes the gaming perfection that Perfect Weapon has honed. For the sequel, I think nothing should be changed. The game was clearly already perfect, as indicated by its title, so it just needs a re-release. Perhaps it should be ported to the Wii, so they can come with an even more unintuitive control scheme with gesture based actions in order to give the game some added challenge.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems like you got a personality transplant since the last post. This reads much less like a kind of falsely-jaded wannabe old man than all your previous posts. Kudos!

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Blank Czech said...

I believe dance aerobics has a sequel. Also, I'm all for an EXTREME Skydiving HARDCORE and Ninja Golf 2.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Zachary Bryda said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:35 AM  
Blogger Shane Latham said...

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11:26 PM  

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