Wednesday, January 04, 2006

GameCube Exclusive Mario?

Apparently, if you make a game on all three platforms, you can put Mario in the GameCube version to try and give people a reason to buy what usually works out to be the weakest version. Mario appears in NBA Street V3, Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix, and probably many more upcoming Nintendo ports (also, Link appeared in Soul Caliber 3 for GameCube). No one bought “Hotel Mario” for the Philips CD-i, or “Mario is Missing” for SNES so maybe we shouldn't tell Nintendo marketing that Mario isn't enough to sell a game, but now that Nintendo is giving away their precious character, it's lead me to think about what games we should put Mario in.

True Crime: Streets of the Mushroom Kingdom
The next GameCube installment of the True Crime franchise should show the urban crime drama of the Mushroom Kingdom. The mushroom people can be cops and civilians, which you can start on fire with fireballs, or beat them to a bloody pulp with your Raccoon Tail. You can do some drug deals for Bowser by selling 'shrooms to school children. And don't forget the "Hot Coffee"! You can finally collect your reward from the Princess for saving her all the time!

Mario Xtreme Beach Volleyball
This game only features the ladies of the Mario Universe: Peach, Daisy, Toadette, ummm... Maybe Birdo? I don't know if the transvestite counts as a woman though... They could bring back Wendy Koopa and Koopas other Daughters from Mario 3 and Mario World. Yeah, they all don really REALLY small bikinis (which you can remove if you hack the game) and play some volleyball, go shopping and all the other killer gameplay DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball is known for.

Leisure Suit Mario
Leisure Suit Larry made a comeback courtesy of High Voltage Studios. Rather that the racy, naughty humor that the old games had, the new one had gross out humor ala' American Pie (and boy was LSL: MCL gross...) Unfortunately for GameCube owners, it was PS2/Xbox/PC only, so you guys REALLY missed out... Well, they should make the GameCube version with Mario as the horny college student. He can score with Peach, Daisy, Todette or if he gets really drunk, Birdo. Finally a game about Mario getting some action! I was beginning to think that maybe he and Luigi were more than just brothers, if you know what I mean.

Mario Kombat
Yes, the bloody fighting franchise that made so many waves way back when is still around and kicking. If they can put Link in Soul Caliber 3, they can put Mario in Mortal Kombat whatever number they are on. (I think the world stopped caring after 3) Mario can throw fireballs, summon pipes from the ground to teleport elsewhere, and morph into raccoon form. He can have a fatality where he tears the ribcage out of the other character's chest and plays it like a xylophone using the other character's eyeballs mounted on shards of his/her collar bone for mallets. He could play the Super Mario Bros 1 theme song!


Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

Duh, Link appeared in Soulcalibur 2 for GCN.

Did you know Heiachi appeared in the PS2 version?

Or that Spawn was in the Xbox version?

Companies try and use their "exclusive" characters wherever possible, and in case you didn't realize, Nintendo characters are pretty popular in Japan, which is where Nintendo is fucking based.

Oh yeah, did you know that in 2004, the GBA/SP outsold the Xbox and PS2 in Japan, even with the release of the DS and PSP later on?

Gueses what character appears on a lot of GBA games? No, really, guess.

(And the moment of truth has arrived; where a high and mighty ex-programmer for both Microsoft AND Nintendo, not to mention a "famous" article writer, gets told by a bag boy)

10:12 PM  
Blogger The BIG G said...

I've programmed for the PS2 also, so don't leave that out. I have no idea what you are talking about how you "told" me. You aren't very good at understanding the point of my posts... Nintendo is loaning its characters to 3rd party games in which they don't really fit. So, I'm suggesting games I'd like to see with the Nintendo characters. Microsoft is now guilty of this with DOA 4 for 360. (It has someone in the Halo armor as a fighter) I'd hardly call this an article. This is a blog, so I write my opinions. This isn't really an article or a news website....

-The BIG G

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

granted, but you must understand that after dedicating a week to read through your whole blog from start to present (my mistake, I admit that much) I now hate your fucking biased guts.

If you can't learn how to write a non-opinionated comparison, nobody's going to take you seriously.

Honestly, are you TRYING to come off as blatantly biased?

For fucks sake man, you compared the price, availability, and library of games of the FC to the Revolution. You compared the price, availability, and library of games for something which has been out for so long you couldn't even find people dumb enough to sell it on eBay without bundling it, to something which has YET TO BE RELEASED.

Oh but the stupidity does not end there, no no. Then you claimed that the FC had better hardware because, 15 years ago, the FC was considered "High Performance" while the Revolution is considered "luckwarm" by today's standards.


THAT, is why I am still here. You piss us off, you have an ego which we have yet to see backed with any sort of real value, you write articles which are so distastefully biased that even the Microsoft fanboys are gagging, and you are making no visible efforts to improve that, merely to defend yourself by posting OTHER people's articles on hardware and OS specs in the hope that you'll come off as a misunderstood genius and that people will fear arguing with such great intellect.

That's what I see of you, and I don't care if you fucking blog about the weather, if you don't stop the biased bullshit, I won't go away.

PS - Yeah, the big "NAMCO" logo wasn't enough of a tip about the third party thing. That's just obvious. However, it's also obvious that Nintendo tends to prefer only certain kinds of TPP, and the ones you've listed off are either outside Nintendo's preferred bounds, or already more or less exclusively owned by another company.


5:50 PM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

PS -

That's my outright challenge to you. You think you're so great, well come prove it. This is a club for Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo guys to battle it out. Think you can last with what you have?

6:50 PM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

parry aldon is the latest recipient of the

Jubal Harshaw Award For Excellence in Completely Missing the Fucking Point.

Taking a week to read this blog deserves some reward, too. It's a shame you didn't take the time to read all the comments as well, but I realise that may have added approximately a month to your reading time. So, without further ado, I present to you:

The No Child Left Behind Shield of Failure.

Bravo! To collect your reward please click here.

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

~_~ I get the idea dipshit

Yes, I know most of what's on here isn't serious. The whole bit about sending people to work on the sun was clue enough.

However, those reviews down there are serious, and they're written in a way to be taken seriously, and if that's not enough, he posts them all over the place as "solid evidence"

I forgive your ignorance if you didn't know how your precious big G likes to spam himself around the web advertising his "in depth" reviews, then fiercely defending his "facts" when they are questioned.

I condemn your stupidity if you already knew that but chose to ignore it.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

PS - Jubal Harshaw

Sorry for being pissy, I'd just got back from kendo, which was right after swim team. I'm still a teenager, and not being able to eat while working out for that long of a period of time makes me kinda cranky.

I've stuffed myself full of junk now, though, so I feel less grouchy.

12:49 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

parry aldon:

I'd apologise for the tone of my post, but I enjoy being sarcastic far too much. I'm English, you know.

I find it amazing that you can claim to know which of Mr G's articles are meant to be taken seriously or not. Perhaps you could let me know which articles from The Onion are meant to be serious?

Furthermore, I am aware of Mr G's 'spamming' - that's how I got here myself. And, I must admit, I was taken in for a short while myself - see for yourself.

However, it's clear that The BIG G writes these things to elicit such responses as yours and others'. In other words, he's a pretty skillful troll - and I find it quite amusing.

Your threat that "if you don't stop the biased bullshit, I won't go away" is counter-productive. Posts like yours are, I assume, the very reason The BIG G posts the articles he does.
If I were he, I'd be trying to write the perfect article to make your head explode in a fit of apoplectic fury. But that's because I'm a complete dick.

6:41 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

Some ideas of my own for Mario franchise ideas:

Another Trip To Castle Wolfenstein
Bowser has grown a fruity little moustache and started gassing the mushroom people for being 'inferior.' You have to fight your way through the castle to rescue The Jewish Princess only to find that she's at another castle. No, wait... that sounds oddly familiar....

Mario Final Fantasy:
A game that takes all the character development of Super Mario Bros 3 and all the immediacy of the Final Fantasy turn-based combat system. In order to even shoot a fireball you have to go through several hundred stupid fucking dialogue boxes before finding out that you haven't got enough fucking mana. I hate Final Fantasy with all my heart.

Super Mario Hentai Game!
Mario has moved to a new town to start work as a plumber, but has only enough money to stay with a woman and her daughter! What could happen?! As he gains plumbing proficiency, he will have many exciting adventures! There are many lonely women in the city with blocked toilets! Contains mild urination, plunger insertion, mosaic censored.

7:02 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

>_o eew, mario hentai?

XD that reminds me of this song I heard once about mario only rescuing the princess so he could get laid in the end.

I know that most of this website is a joke, but some jokes just aren't funny. If he were to be a little different about the reviews and make it more clear it was a joke, that would be all fine and good. However when people question him on his reviews, he never goes "dude, it's a joke, chill" instead of calls the people total idiots because they obviously don't know what he does if they think that.

That sort of thing annoys me...

Add to that I've seen plenty of people that try and use roughly this same line of reasoning to bash companies they didn't like in the forums. This guy is the only one to make a gigantic blog about it though.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...


Quote: "I know that most of this website is a joke, but some jokes just aren't funny."

To you. Some jokes are not funny to you. If Mr G were to make it more obvious that this were a joke, then the impact and effectiveness of the satire would be lost.

The fact is that Mr G writes ludicrous things, and you can't be sure whether he is serious or not. That is funny. It's funny if he's not being serious, it's funnier if he is, it's funniest when you can't tell if he is or if he isn't, it's hilarious if it reminds you of people who were just as silly but believed in what they were saying, and it's genius if it exposes the insane and idiotic in what looks to be, in another context, normal and reasoned.

That's satire.

Unfortunately, analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. You can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

As for nintendo-themed songs, I'm rather partial to the Zelda song performed by System of a Down.

7:49 AM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

That's got me thinking about satire, now. Especially Jonathan Swift's 'A Modest Proposal' versus Jack Thomson's.

Swift managed to use the prevailing reasoning of the day and apply it to a problem in such a way that the outcome was morally repugnant to everybody (cannibalism). Thus, this satire was a success.

Thomson, however, was clumsy. He used a gross simplification of prevailing business ethics (offering a bounty is so 1800s) and his punchline (teenagers will kill these evil execs because of the game) was based on a premise that was not universally shared. Ergo, the satire failed - because people were willing to make the game.

What does this tell us about Jack Thompson? Firstly, that he's not very bright. Secondly, that he is unable to see anyone else's point of view - the whole satire was based on the premise that even the games industry knew that games caused people to kill, but they make games anyway because profit is better than lives.

He just cannot get his head around the idea that someone would not consider this a valid viewpoint. This is why he will forever be an ineffective satirist, but would be a perfect choice for Fuhrer.

Sorry about uing your blog for my rambling mind, BIG G.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

Yeah, I've read that book. It was pretty obvious to me that it was a joke, and that really WAS funny. That was because what he proposed (eating our babies) really WAS out of the question dumb...

However, G argues, sometimes violently, over arguements that are plausible, but just not always true.

If he's going to pick something to make fun of, he should make it apparant what he's making fun of, and not pick on one thing right now.

So far, he's tried his best to make Nintendo look like bumbling idiots who rip off 80's technology, and then "in the interest of fairness" talked about how there were two choices for buying an Xbox360.

If anything, that sounds like the feeble rantings of a Microsoft fanboy.

If, for example, he were to go "PS3 vs a bananna: according to (real person, quoted in a real article) therefore, a PS3 looses to the banana" then it would be obvious it was a joke.

However, his current trend has been
Nintendo vs Microsoft
Nintendo loses
Nintendo vs Sony
Nintendo loses
Nintendo feature vs Third-party feature
Nintendo loses

Another helpful thing is if he were to actually let us know this page was a joke. Instead, he's posted a glowing article on his greatness in his public bio, then for his footer burbles on a bit more about his wisdom in gaming.

That is seriously not helping. That along is making people look for reasons to flame him, because right there he's set himself up as an arrogant, self-rightous god among informants.

Here's a good example of a satire I had posted up once (shortened):

"...and, according to Playstation magazine, the Xbox360 is not going to measure up to the PS3. That said, I think we can safely trade in our 360's for a PSP because there's no possible way any journalist working for Sony would ever bend his facts, even a little to make Sony look better than the competition, even if his job WASN'T on the line..."

PS - You're right though, Tomson is a bit of a ponce... "violent games must be banned" blah blah. FREEDOM OF SPEECH BITCH! If you dictate what we can and can't put in games, you're basically saying what game designers can and can't write into their games.

Deciding what to allow people to say, do, and write... Whether you live in America or not, that's pretty fucked up.

6:34 PM  
Blogger The BIG G said...

An observation: for something that you hate with a passion, you devote a lot of time to posting on my blog. Unfortunately, I have more constructive things to do than to reply to all your posts... Perhaps, you could instead channel your writing energies in creating a "The BIG G Hate Website". That way all the Nintendo fanboys who's feelings I have hurt could have a place to congregate.

-The BIG G

7:29 PM  
Anonymous jubal_harshaw said...

OK. One last time.


Do you really think someone who subtitles their blog "On the forefront of pushing the cutting edge of the metagaming envelope" is going to write anything that isn't arrogant?

I'm beginning to think that this is a joke being played on me, as I'm struggling to believe someone can consistently fail to understand the very basis of this type of humour.

Either you are trolling me in an excellent manner, or you have been so offended by the absurdly anti-nintendo stance of the BIG G that you are unable to take a step back and see it for what it is.

Either way, I give up. It's been diverting, at the very least.

Oh, and your example is not satire - it's irony, possibly sarcasm. Satire incorporates those things, but is much more than that.

7:03 AM  
Anonymous Parry Aldon said...

Nah, not into hate websites. Bad experiences there >_>

Someone sent me a link to a KKK website (there really is such a thing... it's pretty fucked up) that showed a list of people's names that should be "removed" from the country, and I was on it for being half-chinese.

Besides, that sort of thing is complicated. I'd have to link everything back to you, and I'd have to spam my own link, and then there would be people that just flame me because they don't know what the hell's going on and want to post

Nah, this way's simpler. Besides, that last post was actually pretty good, so I think you'll be seeing less hate from me.

7:41 PM  
Blogger marion said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


9:31 PM  

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