Let Uwe Boll Make a Movie Based on Your Game

Uwe (pronounced ooooh-vay. It's German!) Boll is thinking about not making movies based on video games! We can't let this happen! There are plenty of good reasons to sell out!

1) Uwe Boll thinks his movies aren't trash, and I agree – He doesn't say that they are masterpieces, but in IGN's Dinner with Uwe, he says they aren't trash, and complains how people on the internet aren't fair to him and the IGN suck ups agree. Now, I think Uwe Boll is right in this regard (although IGN seems really spineless to side with that monster). Uwe Boll films aren't trash. They may be horribly awful steaming piles of crap, but I've had to pay to see them, so it is dissimilar in that regard to trash because people throw out trash, so you can get it for free if you go dumpster diving. It's probably more similar to a toilet you have to pay to use. You really have to go, and you see the last person using it walk out. That person was Uwe Boll, and he managed to get every last drop of poop on the toilet seat and none in the actual toilet. You spent your last euro (since as far as I know, they only have pay toilets in Europe. Here in America, we have freedom – freedom from entrepreneurs exploiting our natural bodily functions), and you really have to go, so you sit down on Uwe's foul toilet seat. I think that's a much better analogy than trash. Maybe Uwe will complain about my criticalness of his work in his next interview because he seems to like whining a lot.

2) Every movie based on a video game license sucks – They all suck including Uwe Boll's. “Super Mario Bros”? “Street Fighter”? I think Raul Julia died of embarrassment when he saw his performance in that film. I've seen them all except the straight to video “Double Dragon” (which despite having Alyssa Milano in it, has to suck since “straight to video” is always synonymous with crap). The best movie to video game translation was “Mortal Kombat”, which is hardly a great film. That's pretty sad. If someone is going to take a giant dump on your carefully developed IP, why shouldn't it be Uwe?
I don't know if you saw Doom (or read the novelization), but there was very little they could have done to screw Doom up. All they had to do was non-stop demon killing, or just have the Rock do his eyebrow thing for an hour and a half, and they'd have a great movie. Instead, there was all this psuedo-science trying to find out the cause of the stupid virus, and the brother and sister with troubled pasts reuniting under less than ideal circumstances. Here's a much better screenplay:

Scene 1 – Interior shot Mars base
Bystander: Oh no! The gateway to Hell has been opened!
Bystander gets mauled by a zombie
The Rock: It's time to kick some ass.
The Rock picks up a BFG and ad libs while slaying demons. The demons also kill a lot of innocent bystanders in very gory ways.
Fin

It's not a question of money. I'd sell that to Hollywood for $5. I think it's gross incompetence on the part of Uwe Boll and Hollywood in general on what gamers are looking for in a video game movie. We're looking for something VERY SIMILAR to the game. We don't want radical changes to the story. When they bought the license for Doom, there was demons on Mars. What did they have in Doom the movie? Well, it wasn't demons! They bought the Doom license so they could do a horrible first person segment. Let's take Bloodrayne for example. I like the story. It was cheesy and funny. Hot vampire woman fighting Nazis. Pretty straightforward, right? Somehow in Uwe Boll's twisted mind, it became a period drama set in the 1700s, and was mind blowingly awful. Here's some notes for you Uwe: “YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE BLOODRAYNE ABOUT HER FIGHTING NAZIS!” Maybe Uwe should spend his time listening to fans criticism rather than giving long and boring interviews whining about how nobody likes him and how we are all jealous of his success. Yep, you hit the nail on the head. We say your movies are bad not because they are bad because we envy you. We all desire in the bottom of our heart to be a director of horrible video game adaptations. I can't wait for Uwe Boll's Dungeon Siege because I'm sure it'll be the story of three pirates (one blind, one deaf and one mute) transported to a dungeon in the future, and they are the Earth's only hope for overthrowing the corrupt dictatorship. It seems like they just take the title of the game and guess what the game might be about rather than actually playing it and working from that.

3) He's the only one who will buy your license – If someone buys your license, you get money regardless of how terrible the movie is. Uwe says all of his movies have made a profit (mostly because they cost around $20 million to make with $15 million advertising). So, you get free money for doing nothing! Besides, a few top licenses (Halo, Dead or Alive, and Silent Hill) no one is making movies based on games since they are beginning to realize that they all suck.

4) You get a lot of free publicity – Gamers everywhere will be talking out your game. Sure, they won't be saying good things, but there's no such thing as bad publicity, right? Maybe people will wonder if your game is truly as wretched as the Uwe Boll pile crap masquerading as a film. I bought “Alone in the Dark” to see if it was quite possibly as horrible as the film. It wasn't very good, but it was better than the film, which isn't saying much.

5) You'll gain a newfound appreciation for your voice actors – Let's face it. Most video game voice acting isn't all that great. Let's take for example the first lines in House of the Dead 2 “We're meeting G over there” in deadpan monotone. Or Goldman's oscillations in pitch on “We've got to protect the life cycle!” Both of those horrendous line readings are better than the guy that wears the yellow raincoat in “House of the Dead” the movie. Tara Reid as a bright archaeologist in “Alone in the Dark” was the worst casting since Denise Richards as a Nuclear Scientist in “The World is Not Enough”.

6) You'll gain a newfound appreciation for your writer – Again, “House of the Dead” has a horrible story. “Bloodrayne” is campy cheesy fun, but definitely not going to win any awards. These writers are at least better than the ones that write Uwe Boll screenplays. I'm not sure where he can find people that are that bad at writing, but my guess is he gets a bunch of 3 year olds drunk and sits them in front of a word processor.

So there you have it! Game developers of the world, get on your phone and call up Uwe today! What do you have to lose other than your dignity and self-respect?

How long will I have to wait for a 360?

I'm not getting my 360 this week, so I've made counters indicating how long it's been since preordering and launch. I think you'll be shocked at the ridiculous amount of time I'm having to wait. View them here. (Unfortunately, blogger won't let me use Javascript, so I had to put them on a different page)

I have Full Auto, but I don't think I'll ever get a 360

So, I went to EB Games on Friday to pick up my Full Auto with faceplate. They were closed at 8:45! I told the guy that I'd be there at 8 or 8:30, and he didn't say anything about them being closed?!?!?! I couldn't believe it. Could it get any worse for me? I came back on Saturday, so I could end this crapola, and sure enough, they still had the faceplate on hold for me. They wanted to know why I wasn't there yesterday! I explained to them that I DID in fact show up, but they were closed for some strange reason.... He explained that they had computer trouble, so they closed early. Well, it all seemed worth it because they still had my faceplate! I called EB Games today to see when their shipment of Xbox 360 would come in since mine was due. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that my time was finally up! I'd finally get the 360 that I craved so badly, but! Alas, cruel fate! They aren't getting in any this week... I was dumbfounded. There must be some mistake! They didn't get in any last week, and they get 4 in every other week (and I'm 4th on the list). I explained this to the EB Games employee, but he brushed me off saying that they just aren't getting any in stock.... So, I think I'm never getting one. Here's my Full Auto faceplate though. It looks really good on my Xbox:

Things are looking up... Sort of.

Someone let the UPS guy into my apartment complex, so he left DOA 4 at my door. Many people claim that Xbox 360 games don't look any better than Xbox games, so I decided to test the theory by putting DOA 4 in my Xbox. It didn't play. They do the same thing that Xbox games do if you stick them in something else – they play a short video saying that you need to put it in an Xbox. I almost shat my pants when I put an Xbox game in my PS2 by accident, and it instructed me to put it in my Xbox before realizing how easy that was to do (if it has a small partition that acts as a DVD video disc, PS2/Xbox will just play the video).

As far as Full Auto, I called up EB Games this morning to see if I could cancel my Full Auto preorder, but they said that they were giving out the faceplates first come first serve. I said I couldn't come in until after work, but the guy said he'd hold it for me... So, we'll see if that happens or not when I go in later today. Although, I suppose all of this is a moot point since I don't actually have a 360.

I'm being punished, but I don't know why

So, I called EB Games before going there to pick up my Full Auto preorder. They said they had it in, but I wanted to make sure I got the faceplate, so I asked about that. They said I preordered it after the cutoff date (February 1st), so I wouldn't get one. I explained to them that I wouldn't have preordered it there had I known that I wouldn't get the faceplate. They said they didn't know that either, and they'd try and see if they could order more faceplates blah blah blah. Yeah right. There's no way they'll get me a faceplate. So, now I have to try and return my preorder (which I foolishly paid for the entire thing up front) and order from EBGames.com, which appears to have a plentiful supply of faceplates.
To make matters worse, my Dead or Alive 4 is supposed to be delivered today (from ebgames.com). UPS always delivers packages at around 2 pm to my apartment. I'm at work at 2pm, so I try and ambush the UPS guy before I leave for work, since he's on the same street that I live on (just the other side). I tracked him down this morning and noticed it was a different driver than usual. The usual driver is really cool. He's usually really nice and gives me the packages in the morning when I track him down. I asked this guy if I could have my package. He said no. Apparently, he had to deliver a bunch of stuff before 10:30 that was like overnight express or something like that, and he couldn't be bothered to spend 30 seconds handing me my package... I wanted to complain and say that it probably took as long to explain to me why he couldn't do it as actually doing it, but instead, I just walked off dejectedly.
So, what does this mean? It it some sign to indicate that I will never enjoy next generation gaming bliss? Do I not meet the minimum requirements to enter the HD Era? Am I not part of the Remix Generation that J Allard spoke of? Or should I stop patronizing EB Games? (Both games and the system were ordered from them) I don't know, but I'm very tempted to cancel all my preorders, give up gaming and game development forever and become a Buddist Monk in the Himalayas.

Xbox 360 Woes

I'm the laughing stock of my company. Now, that's pretty typical for me, but this time, the reason is a bit different. It's because I preordered an Xbox 360. Why is that so humiliating? Here's the full story. My first encounter with the supposed pinnacle of gaming technology was at E3. I played Full Auto and loved it, so I made up my mind to get Xbox 360 along with Full Auto at launch. I was devastated when they pushed the Full Auto release date back, but I was excited about Kameo, so I was still planning on getting it at launch. I wanted to preorder the system at Best Buy, so I could get the reward points (and apparently, they were going to let reward members preorder it), but after jerking me around for a while, they finally said they weren't doing preorders. I headed to the nearest EB Games on October 20, 2005 (I know this because I still carry the faded receipt with me in my wallet on the off chance that I'll get an Xbox 360), and preordered one. They told me that I was on the second shipment, but I'd probably get in on the first since they had a lot of cancellations. I was satisfied. They assured me I'd get it before Christmas. I ordered Kameo and Project Gotham Racing 3 thinking my Xbox 360 would come shortly after launch if not at launch. I was dead wrong. I kept calling and calling EB Games. The story was that I'd get it before Christmas. I could wait. I had some good PS2 titles to keep me busy. When I called before I went on my Christmas vacation, they said I'd get it in January or maybe February. I was devastated, but at least I'd get it before Full Auto came out. I kept calling. They said they get 4 every two weeks, so I just had to play the waiting game. I called EB games last week, and they said I was 4th on the list, and that I'd get it either last week or no later than today. I ordered Dead or Alive 4 from EB Games online, so I could get the free calendar thinking that I'd have a system to play it on by the time it arrived. I called again on Friday of last week. No 360 yet. I went in on Saturday to preorder Full Auto to ensure that I got the faceplate. They said to call back on Monday because they would get a list of what is in their weekly shipment. I did. No Xbox 360 this week. I'm going to pick up my copy of Full Auto later today (with faceplate), but I have no system to play it on. My Dead or Alive 4 will arrive tomorrow. But, I still don't have an Xbox 360. So, MAYBE next week I'll get my Xbox 360. But, maybe I'll never get it. Hard to say. Peter Moore said that anyone should be able to walk in a store and get an Xbox 360 in four to six weeks. Although that may be hard to believe, I don't want it to be true if I actually get my Xbox 360. Once I get mine, I want everyone else to suffer the gamut of negative emotions I've endured for these four long months: anxious waiting, longing, and kicking his/herself for not camping out at Best Buy. If I don't get mine soon, they better start having them in other stores. It occurred to me that maybe I got bumped way down because I didn't preorder enough accessories from that EB Games. Or maybe the employees are buying them and selling them on ebay. *Sigh*